


Forgiveness

by scifishipper



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Established Relationship, Forgiveness, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Infidelity (past), M/M, Mind Meld, Surak's Teachings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-02
Updated: 2014-08-02
Packaged: 2018-02-11 11:38:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2066709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scifishipper/pseuds/scifishipper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jim does the unforgivable, Spock strives to forgive him anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

> Surak's teachings gleaned from _Memory Alpha_. This story has been eating my brain for a while and finally had to be written.

Jim unlocked the door to his apartment and stepped inside. It was unexpectedly bright, and Jim blinked, eyes scanning then stopping to see a tall, imposing figure lit by the city skyline through the wide windows overlooking San Francisco. 

“Spock?” he said, voice squeaking. Oh my god.

The tall figure turned and tilted his head. “Jim.” He was beautiful as ever, slick lines and broad shoulders tapering to a thin waist and hips that Jim had gripped in passion. Jim flushed at the memory, the scent of him, maybe imagined, sending a shiver deep into his bones. 

Spock’s hands were clasped behind his back, his usual pose, but Jim saw the tenseness around his lips, the almost not-quite-looking at Jim expression in his eyes.

Jim dropped his paper shopping bag onto the floor and shoved his hands into his back pockets. “What are you doing here?” He hadn’t seen Spock for months… Jim swallowed at the memory of their fight. The cold, sharp gaze that had pinned Jim to his bed, half-covered in a sheet, the smell of sex in the room. 

Stepping forward, Spock pursed his lips slightly. “I told you I would seek you out when I was prepared … to talk.” He looked away, glancing to nowhere, then back again to Jim’s face.

The pounding in Jim’s chest was painful. “Okay. Yeah. Do you want to sit?” Jim’s voice wavered, shock and surprise … and hope? Jim tamped it down. Hope would make it hurt more.

“I will stand.” Spock’s face changed, a hesitation, if Jim interpreted it right.

Jim moved closer to Spock and leaned against the back of the sofa and crossed his arms over his chest. He watched Spock, terrified to speak, unable to keep hope from filling his cheeks with hot blood.

“How have you been, Jim?” Spock asked.

“What? I—No, Spock. Not small talk. Please. What are you doing here? Tell me.” Jim bit his lip to prevent the rush of more words, more apologies, the eventual begging, he knew would come. No amount of pleading had broken through Spock’s hard façade that day. God, what a colossal fuck up.

“As you wish, Jim,” Spock said and Jim chewed harder on his lower lip. 

Spock’s nostrils flared as he inhaled. “I am finding this conversation more difficult than I anticipated. Your presence, as always, leaves me emotionally compromised.”

“Spock…” Jim said, leaning forward only to be stopped by Spock’s hand raised and holding him in place.

“For ninety-three-point-four days, I have considered our last interaction. It has taken significant effort to meditate through the emotional turmoil inside me and, in the end, I am unable to resolve my emotions about our relationship.” Spock stared past Jim, unable to meet his eyes. Jim couldn’t breathe, feeling like he was about to be sentenced for a crime. It was nearly unbearable.

“Four-point-six days ago, I engaged in a conversation with my mother on Vulcan. I had avoided interactions with her as I anticipated her response and wished to avoid it. I was foolish in this regard and regret that I delayed speaking to her.” Spock glanced at Jim, and then dropped his eyes to stare at Jim’s collar.

“In reviewing my reaction to your actions, I see now that I had made assumptions prior to discovering you with Lieutenant Finn. I felt the strength of our bond, Jim. I believed it was shared between us and I was unable to manage my emotional reaction long enough to listen to your words. While my brain recorded them, I was unable to gain…perspective, as my mother would say, and to consider them objectively. To this day, I find the recall of that event quite difficult to bear.” Spock’s voice lowered and the last words were spoken in a whisper.

“Spock—” Jim stood and Spock stepped back, raising his hand once more. The memory of that scene ripped through Jim, sex that meant nothing except escaping the terror at what he felt for Spock.

“I must finish, Jim.” Spock walked to the window to stare out, his back stiff as Jim watched helplessly. He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt so raw and frightened in his life before.

Spock’s voice was steady when he continued. “My mother, wise woman that she is, explained the human fear of commitment, which I did not comprehend. She, not even Vulcan, quoted Surak’s early teachings encouraging healing in the face of powerful emotional states. Surak taught, _it is better to heal than kill._ And while I would not kill you, I would also not reject you without seeking to heal what has come between us.” Jim saw Spock’s shoulders soften. “To accept the fear as one would accept the joy, welcoming it for what it reveals. To journey through the fear to understand what lay beneath. Until I spoke to my mother, I was unable to face my fear, Jim.” Spock turned finally to look at Jim, his face more vulnerable than Jim could ever remember.

“I’m sorry, Spock. God, I am so sorry.” Jim couldn’t stop the words from blurting out, but Jim held himself with effort against the sofa.

“I believe you, Jim.” Spock’s posture stiffened. “But…to forgive you would mean to risk that you would hurt me again. That I would not be able to manage your desires for others, and once again, I would be torn from you.” The roughness in Spock’s voice tore at Jim’s insides. He’d hurt him so much.

“I won’t. I swear, Spock. I love you so much.” Jim was powerless to remain still and he rushed at Spock, pushing himself against Spock’s unyielding frame. “Please forgive me. I am in agony without you.” Jim kissed along Spock’s hairline, inhaling him, using his body to plead where words seemed to fall unheard.

“Ashayam, please. I must finish.” Spock pulled away and Jim slowly released him, staying close but not touching. He held onto a chair to keep from falling.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry.” It was like Jim couldn’t stop himself from fucking up over and over again. He was splitting in half with the battle between hope and despair.

Spock said, “You told me you were afraid. ‘Terrified’ was the word you used when we spoke about our relationship. You refused to meld with me and I did not understand.” Spock’s deep brown eyes met Jim’s and softened with evident pain.

“I brushed aside your fear, believing that you trusted me and believed in my feelings. My devotion to you is not a question, Jim. It simply exists as a force I cannot deny.” 

“I know that now. I know.” Jim gripped the stiff fabric on the chair to keep himself from touching Spock. Jim had had to face his own demons, the ones that sent him into danger instead of away.

“I had not considered your difficulty in trusting me. What you experienced on Tarsus IV, the abuse and degradation, did not enter into my assessment.” Spock touched Jim’s face with his fingertips, barely a whisper across his skin. “You are the bravest human I know and it was not logical that something that had occurred without your permission would impact your ability to trust me. One who would die to protect you.” Spock dropped his hand and straightened once more.

“In that assessment, I was in error. It was my mother who enabled me to see what your fear meant, why you engaged in sexual activities with Lieutenant Finn.” Spock shook his head slightly. “And why you engaged in such an act with full knowledge that I would find you.”

“No, I didn’t,” Jim protested, realizing suddenly that Spock was right. At the time he hadn’t cared. Or maybe he cared too much. He didn’t even know.

When Spock didn’t speak, Jim shifted positions and looked up at him. Instead of anger, he saw compassion, and tears sprung to his eyes. “I didn’t, Spock. I mean, not really. I knew you were coming over…I just. Fuck.” Jim pounded his fist on the chair. He’d been over this a zillion times in his mind. “You wanted everything, Spock. I wasn’t ready.” Jim’s voice was flat, defeated.

“And now?” Spock’s voice was a whisper with as much fear as Jim had ever heard from him.

“I would do anything to get it back.” Jim’s voice broke and he curled over, burying his face in his hands, shaking with sobs. It felt like everything had just happened, that he’d ruined the best thing in his life with random sex instead of just telling Spock how he felt. Fucking hell, oh god, please. He dug his palms hard into his eyes, willing the emotions to stop pouring out of him. “Spock…,” he said miserably, has he had done a thousand times to the empty air after Spock left.

“Ashayam, I am here.” He felt Spock’s arms slide around his shoulders, stroking his back, his nose nuzzling Jim’s cheek.

Jim unfurled himself and slipped his arms around Spock’s waist, aware that they were both trembling. He buried his face into Spock’s shoulder, unable to believe that he was here again. That he was forgiving him? How was that possible?

Jim lifted his head, feeling cool air against the wetness on his cheeks. “I never wanted to hurt you. I just wanted it to slow down. I tried to tell you how mixed up I was, how fucking scared of all of it I was. I handled it like shit. I fucked up more than I’ve ever fucked up anything.” His admission brought fresh tears and a gasping, choking cough. He pushed away from Spock and stepped back. He couldn’t breathe.

“I love you so fucking much but it still scares me. It’s raw, Spock. It is the deepest thing inside of me and I don’t know how to do it. No one has stayed. I’ve done it myself for all of these years. It has just sucked so bad that I got used to it. I don’t even know the difference anymore because it's been so long since anyone wanted me for me. You know, George Kirk’s boy, the prodigy returned to Starfleet to step into his father’s shadow. I thought it would be hard, Spock, but you. You were the hardest thing. You … I don’t know. You get me, all of me, and you don’t hate me for it or feel threatened. You just … god, it’s so corny. It’s like you cherish me.” Jim’s cheeks fired hot and red.

“I do. Beyond what words can express.” Spock’s voice was patient and Jim looked over at him. “As a Vulcan, we understand the limitation of words to accurately convey emotional states with surety. I believe I can show you, Jim, as words cannot convey the depth of my regard for you.

Jim hiccuped. “You mean a meld?”

“Yes. Briefly, Jim. If you wish to stop, you merely need to move away. I will not hold you.” Spock didn’t move, just looked at Jim with his placid, patient face.

“I, uh. Yeah, okay.” Jim took a breath and wiped his face with the long sleeves of his shirt. He had to take this risk. Prove to Spock that he could do it. He pushed back his shoulders and took a breath. “I’m ready.” 

Gently, Spock placed his fingers on Jim’s face, the warmth seeping into his skin. A moment later, a tingle and Jim closed his eyes. Spock was there, not his face exactly, but he recognized his presence, the warm reddish glow that seemed to envelop his mind. Jim felt movement inside his thoughts, a gentle eddy of emotion that lapped at the cocoon of what appeared to be himself. Jim reached out towards the tide, feeling a liquidy warmth that covered the tendrils of his thoughts. It didn’t feel physical, but was real enough. As he moved into the liquid warmth, he sensed deeper pools of emotion, love, tenderness, loyalty, and protection. Inside the flow, cooler bits that he could identify as anxiety, a sliver of cold that must be fear. Awkwardly, Jim pulled the cooler parts inside himself, warming them, and they disappeared like so much ice changed to water. The liquid seemed to hum and vibrate and began to swirl around and inside of him, and he recognized the heated passion coming from Spock. Fiery sparks popped around him, crackling and igniting his own flames of passion. It was dizzying and Jim felt himself retreat, pulling his body away. 

He snapped his eyes open and gasped. “Oh, my god. That was intense.” He stared wide-eyed at Spock, who dropped his hand to Jim’s shoulder. “I saw you, felt you. Did you see what I saw?” 

“My experience is similar, Jim, although less…symbolic than your mind made it. My mother once described the bond with father in terms related to water, as well.”

Jim rubbed at his jaw. “Yeah. That’s what it felt like.” He didn’t quite know what it meant, only that he felt the power and security of what Spock showed him. He shivered, uncertain how to respond. It felt like he had woken from a dream, only this one was more real and it seemed to linger in his mind. 

“That would take some getting used to,” Jim said, pulling his mind fully back to the real human world. “What does it mean, Spock? You being here?” The meld had shown him a security that had calmed his pain, but he needed the words, too.

“I am here for you, Jim. If you will have me.” Spock said, threading his fingers through Jim’s spiky hair. Emotion filled Spock’s eyes. “I find that I cannot live without you.” 

“No, me, too. I can’t do it.” Jim practically leaped into Spock’s embrace, holding him as tightly as his arms would allow, knowing he could hold on forever, if he chose.

And he did.


End file.
